Finding Peace

I hate cleaning.  I really, really hate cleaning.  A clean house mind you, I LOVE.  There is nothing more peaceful than sitting back in a clean room.  I really get that "Ahhhh" feeling when my home is clean.  So, today I cleaned.  I figured if I could get my house less chaotic, then maybe I will be able to find peace.  As I cleaned I thought about the babies I lost and what things would have been like had I not had the first miscarriage, or if I hadn't gotten pregnant again.  I thought about what our lives would be like if we never have children and whether or not all this pain is worth it in the end.  I have yet to come to a decision on that; however it felt good to 'do something' to get things back in order and now I get to reap the rewards of my hard work.  My home is clean and I have found, albeit superficial, peace. 

Last night I did open my home to Trick-or-treaters.  On the way back from the Dr's I got a box of candy.  I have no idea how many kids came to our door, but I do know I indulged in some chocolate therapy last night myself.  It felt good to do something different and not think about what has gone on.

Doesn't look like I will need surgery after all.  The sac has cleared out, just the endemetrial lining remains. Apparently it is still thick - thereby causing the continued cramps and heavy bleeding.  Dr thinks it will all be gone by the end of the week.  Finally, some good news!  I have decided that I will go back to work on Thursday.  I figure if the physical part is pretty much over by then, I should be able to fake being alright emotionally too.  You know, put on a smile and pretend being strong and reply when everyone asks "I'm okay, thanks!" The thing about faking it is eventually, you start believing it.  Or at least I hope that's what happens.  I figure getting back to the daily grind will help me heal too.  Give me something to occupy my mind.  I'm glad I've given myself time to heal.  Normally I would have jumped right back into things. However, I don't think that would have done any good to anyone.