My track record for getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy isn't too good.
I am currently awaiting my 3rd loss.
Last week, I was starting to feel odd. Extrememly tired. Ravenously hungry and nauseous if I didn't eat. Then my nipples started to scream in pain every time Hannah latched. I wasn't due for my period until today, but I couldn't resist. Last Sunday at 5 pm I took a test. It was positive. It wasn't even a faint line. It was very clearly a positive test. I was shocked and happy. At around 9 pm, I went to the washroom and there was some spotting. Hubby and I talked and I applied some wild yam cream on to help with progesterone support and decided since I wasn't being seen by the fertility clininc, that it would be too difficult to get progesterone cream. I also decided I didn't want all that added stress. I would let things happen the way they were going to happen.
Monday afternoon I took another test - positive.
Tues morning took another test - Very dark positive. The symptoms were pretty strong. I even posted a message on one of my mommy groups asking for advice on how to survive morning sickness when I can't snack on crackers as I need to take my thyroid meds. Of course, by publicly annoucment my pregnancy and symptoms, I jynxed everything. By Wed evening, my symptoms started to disappear one by one. First the boobs, then the nausea, then the exhaustion. By Thursday evening I had a sneaking suspicion what was happening. With the sudden drop of all symptoms, I felt a miscarriage was immenent.
Friday morning another test - faint line. Lighter than the Monday afternoon test.
I am having some mild cramps on my left side (the same as I had with H) but I'm a bit scared about an ectopic pregnancy. However, it has to be too early. This has to be a checmical pregnancy no?
I am so sad. I figured I had an ureaplasma and under-active thyroid with the first 2 losses. I have also had a healthy pregnancy. I figure my body should know what to do.
But ... I sit here now. Waiting .... hoping... my body knows what the fuck it needs to do to expel a pregnancy. Cause god knows it does a piss poor job of maintaining one.
Feel very sad....but so grateful I have Hannah to squeeze. It hurts. I'm mad. I'm sad. I wonder 'why me'. Why the fuck did I even get pregnant....complete with all the classic symptoms...only to loose it. But I do have Hannah. I have to stay strong for her. I have to be thankful I have her.
Why does making a family have to be so hard....when for so many others it is so fucking easy?